It is true: that sometimes you can feel so tired that sleep won't even come easy. Yesterday began with a phone call that instantly heralded a day of stress and chaos; another day where instead of taking hold of the time, time took told of me. And as if the universe wanted to push me a little further, things started to pile up. Then, just before the night ended, there was you. I could just feel my body sinking into sheer exhaustion.
What's exhausting is that you keep seeing the worst in what I say; in what I choose. Assuming that I think less of you because of a single choice. That for every reason I had, you'd look past the good and see the negative.
You don't get it, do you?
I made a decision bearing the wisdom of my experience--of the unseen price of carrying the title. It was not a choice based on mere capability.
I long for the day when you would understand that at the end of it all, I genuinely wanted all the best things for you in the coming year, and not merely the title that you and the others think is "best". I look back at the amount of time that this job took away from me and I think about the multitude of things you could do with it. How you could use that time to keep getting better--to not stagnate. I want you to do better at all the things I wish I had the time to be good at this year. A better physician. A better researcher. A better mentor. A better peer. If I can believe that you could be all those, why can't you?
Yesterday was a tiring day, but it was not the weight of the job that was exhausting. What's exhausting is realizing that you don't believe in you the way that I do.
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