It's 4:55 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. Sleep has been difficult to come by and catch these past few days.

Do you remember the night I went to your condo for the first time? Up until now, everything seems so vivid--I can still see your dusty frame with your grandparents' photo in it; a half-eaten bag of chips on your table. I can still hear the roaring of your air conditioning unit from where I was sitting on your bed while we were talking. I can still remember how you told me that you felt unappreciated, and how I was baffled that someone like you would feel something like that.

As it turns out, right now, I do feel that. I feel like at any given moment, when you choose to, your life could go on without me. Forgotten. Unappreciated. Nights like this, I can't help but feel like you'd only want me to be there when it's convenient for you. I mean, who am I even to think you'd care about my day, if I've eaten, if I'm okay. Because the truth is, right now, I don't feel okay.

Weeks ago, you also told me that you want to aim for lightness--for you, maybe, lightness is within reach. But can you not see that nothing about this is light for me? I'm trying so hard to feel like I mean something to you, that I'm someone special, that I am more than just a thread you tug on when you want to, when you need to. I'm trying so hard to not think about how hung up you were with your past that you couldn't choose me, just me. And now, at close to 5 in the morning, an epiphany: Why am I even trying so hard?

All I ever wanted was to feel at peace. Reassured. To not feel like I have to fight for a place in your life. To not doubt where you and I stand. To feel like the only sensible future is us. And maybe you are failing at that. Maybe I am failing as well.

I did hold your hand that night in Marina Bay Spa, and no, it wasn't because I got carried away in the moment. Maybe it was too bold, but the truth is, it felt like the easiest, most natural thing to do. I also remember you letting go for fear of being seen.

Someday, maybe, it's going to stop feeling like this. Someday, I am still hopeful, that being at peace would be as easy as holding your hand.

I need to sleep.

On Running. And Living

Today, I did something which I haven't done for a long time--running. It took a lot of effort but when I found my pace I realized just how much I miss all the feelings that came with it: my leg muscles burning up, bathed by the arteries that were awakened with every step on the pavement; my lungs dying to burst from the constant battle of its expansion and its hunger for more air; my heart on the verge of explosion as every beat gets faster, stronger. Beads of sweat trickling down like fresh rain on dry ground.

As I arrived to the point where I started, I felt lighter. After everything, I am still alive. I've made it this far, and I want to keep living. I want to continue living.

A final thought--I am enough, have always been enough, will always be enough.

Stuck in Reverse

It is true: that sometimes you can feel so tired that sleep won't even come easy. Yesterday began with a phone call that instantly heralded a day of stress and chaos; another day where instead of taking hold of the time, time took told of me. And as if the universe wanted to push me a little further, things started to pile up. Then, just before the night ended, there was you. I could just feel my body sinking into sheer exhaustion.

What's exhausting is that you keep seeing the worst in what I say; in what I choose. Assuming that I think less of you because of a single choice. That for every reason I had, you'd look past the good and see the negative.

You don't get it, do you?

I made a decision bearing the wisdom of my experience--of the unseen price of carrying the title. It was not a choice based on mere capability.

I long for the day when you would understand that at the end of it all, I genuinely wanted all the best things for you in the coming year, and not merely the title that you and the others think is "best". I look back at the amount of time that this job took away from me and I think about the multitude of things you could do with it. How you could use that time to keep getting better--to not stagnate. I want you to do better at all the things I wish I had the time to be good at this year. A better physician. A better researcher. A better mentor. A better peer. If I can believe that you could be all those, why can't you?

Yesterday was a tiring day, but it was not the weight of the job that was exhausting. What's exhausting is realizing that you don't believe in you the way that I do.

Nakakapagod.

Trying too hard. Thinking too much.

Thirty five days before the end, thirty five days before the beginning. Life is too short and too beautiful to be anything less than happy.