Fast forward to a month later -- being finally done with Pedia, and going back to my niche. During these days, we'd see each other every morning for endorsements, and again after work to do something we both love: reading. We'd read our neurology books, but on some days we'd pause to read fiction. We would taste all sorts of coffee from different coffee shops

Fast forward to four months later -- you get to see me graduate. Four years of gruesome training finally coming to a close. Of course it's you I want the most to be there. We spend the night after the ceremony getting ourselves drunk with Asti, laughing all night long; me looking you in the eye and telling you that I'll make it my goal to also see you graduate. I'd keep wishing I'll be there to see that.

Fast forward to a year later -- we fight over the silliest things: where to eat, whose condo to sleep in, whose turn it is to buy groceries. I'll be easily annoyed because the stress of the boards adds to my existing anxiety. I throw tantrums in the morning and you console me, giving me the push to finish one chapter at a time. I spend the day studying or doing clinics for practice, then in the afternoon, I'm filled with excitement as I fetch you from work.

Fast forward to couple of years later -- both of us done with residency training. Real life waiting to unfold before our very eyes. We doubt. We feel afraid. But we step into the unknown and take a leap to starting a life somewhere far. Somewhere cold. By this time, our families know we're together and we meet them for the holidays. Fellowship won't feel lonely since we're together.

Rewind to now. Where things seem blurry. A time when things are uncertain. A time when choices have to be made and issues sorted out. A crossroad.

Maybe this is how you fight. Or how you don't. Maybe this is how we get there, or maybe this is how we lose. Is fast forward bound to be real, or is it going to be just another figment of imagination? The questions never seem to run out.

And then, a pause.

The Little Fragments

I love you the only way I know how.

Kaya ko ba talagang iwan si...

The love of my life.

You are love.

Nikoz.

Mahal kita.

You make me fall, too.

Nice to hear your voice this early :)

I wish we could just hold hands all night long

What is your choice?

Like I told you, I already did.

It's over.

Tinapos ko na.

I told him I need some time to be alone.

You make me happy.

I called him, and I told him everything.

Here you go mahal :)

I'm sorry.

Please give me another chance.

Don't move. I'm not asking you to come closer or go farther.

Let me love you.


Words. I no longer know which words hold the truth. As for me, the only truth I know right now is that I love you.

To the next me

12 August 2019
Monday

A work in progress

To the next chief resident:

The next 365+ days will be the toughest ones of your career. From someone who merely wants to finish the training, you will be given a load unlike anyone else's. I know you didn't have a choice about this. Dear friend, how I wish I had a choice, too. And while everyone thinks you're the right one for the job, I know you also just wanted a chance to say no and finish the training in peace. Because who wants that enormous task anyway? A thankless job, that's what it is.

You will start to live each day with the weight of the department resting on your shoulders. A lot of what will weigh you down is not actually yours to carry. Each move, each decision, each word you say will have an effect on people. If you were to rate the level of stress on a scale of 10, everyday will always be a 9. On bad days, it will be a 10.

On most days, you will come across a fork in the road -- of doing what you think is best for you, your career, your growth, your love for the science; and doing what needs to be done. And more often than not, you will have to choose the latter. Because the progress of your people, the growth of others, and the name of your department rests in your hands. You will not like it, and you might always think that you can always choose not to do them--but your professional and moral fiber will lead you to decide otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, it has its joys. You will begin to feel fulfilment and happiness with the littlest things--the success of your juniors, the small changes you make in the existing policies, the opportunity to share your knowledge, and most importantly, the lives that you make better just by doing the job. Offer your hand to someone who needs help even if your hands seem full. You will be everyone's rock keeping them grounded and steady.

I have had my own share of errors, and I have disappointed some as I did this job; and I think that it's okay. People will have the notion that you know everything, that you have a fix for every problem; and that can be terrifying. It's okay to be afraid. On most days, you won't know what to do, but I know that you have what it takes to figure it out. The most vital thing that you need to remember is to learn. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from your experiences. Learn from the people. Sometimes you learn from those whom you never thought could teach you a lesson. Every setback, every triumph, every task that comes your way adds only to your maturity.

When things get tough, remember to breathe. Rest, if you must. You will always feel like you're trying to catch up and that's alright. You are in training after all.

I pass on this title having no doubt that you will do a finer job than me. You did not choose this, but the department chose you. Have faith. For now, I bid you my warmest congratulations and wish you the best of luck. Your life is about to change.

How do we fight? When do we know if fighting is worth the pain, the wounds, the bruises, and the scars? When do we know when it's time to give up?

I have fought for you and for us since the very beginning; and in my effort not to lose that fight, I somehow lost a part of myself. I gave you pieces of me, little by little, until I realized that maybe I was already giving too much.

Right now, I have plenty of questions, and zero answers. All I know is that I can never lose myself again. I did my best to trust you despite the doubts, the uncertainties, and the adversities, and I ended up getting bruised.

You wanted me to fight for you, for us -- and I did -- but at the end of it all, no one ever fought for me.

You're right. Us? It is simple. It shouldn't be complicated or difficult. All I ever really wanted was for you to show me that no matter the pain, choosing to fight would be worth it.

The questions is, will you have the courage to fight for us?