Hey :)

Before I even close my eyes and sleep, I just want you to know how extremely proud I am of you. Tomorrow will be the last day of your major rotation. You made it, love. You've come this far.

I miss you.

With love,
N

Hey,

I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get up earlier this morning until Charmy asked me what time I'll have chief res rounds. That's when it hit me--I need to get up. I need to take a step forward.

I was impressed with the interns during rounds and I made sure I remembered their names--Vie and Bevs. They were able to answer the questions I'd normally ask our first years. I told them they should consider neurology for residency. Three clerks were also commendable earlier--Gina, Jitca (?), and Emil. I never thought I'd miss teaching that much.

Then I saw you as we went back to NICU. I smiled. I smiled because that's the only thing I could do at that very moment. I couldn't run to you, or hug you, or kiss you, or hold your hand, so I smiled.

After that, Clare and I went to mass. I welled up while singing "Sa 'Yo Lamang". I thought of you when I first said "peace be with you" before turning to Clare. I am truly hoping that we'd both find peace.

I'm off to a coffee shop to start cramming my grand rounds. I don't know where exactly I'll work, though.

I just also want to say I miss you. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

With love,
N

Less in one hand. A bottle of beer in the other. And a dozen thoughts. In vino veritas.

Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Somehow, despite everything, I believe I still have the courage to be happy. I don't exactly know why--somehow, I just know I can.

So tonight, bring on the pain.

Tomorrow, courage.

Nikoz, please do not forget this feeling. This night.

Hope

We did everything we could.

Thank you, N, for trying.

Fear. Pain. Love.

What's the point?

There are times when I feel like it's better to just vanish. How nice it would be to forget. To stop thinking. To not feel.

Today, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. The dream was not entirely vivid, but I remember feeling out of breath as I cried my heart out. There was an image of you on my couch, and then I saw myself getting out of the bathroom when he called. You answered. And then the two of you wouldn't stop talking, laughing. He made you happy. I remember being in tears as I shouted, "Please don't go." But you took your phone, hurried to the door, and just left me there. 8:15 AM.

Over the past days, I couldn't stop myself from thinking. From being afraid. How did it ever come to this--to being so afraid? Afraid of losing you, yet also afraid that if we were together, life will find a way to break us. A text. An email. A phone call. A chance encounter with him. Afraid of you not being able to let go. Afraid of not being enough.

I keep wondering, is this how love is supposed to be like? In your own words, how do we love? Isn't love, by its very nature, the most basic and simplest way of feeling? Weren't we told that love should be greater than our fears and doubts?

I do not want to love with so much fear. You and I don't deserve that. I am also not asking you to forget the past; to un-love him--it's absurd to think that's possible. I know there will come a time when you can honestly tell me and yourself that you're ready. How and when we'll get there is that which we do not know. Maybe when that time comes I will still be here--unafraid, certain. And maybe then, I could love you with the same vastness, the same depth, and the same tranquility as the ocean. Maybe.

I wish I could stop myself from thinking. In all honesty, sometimes, I feel like I am weighing myself down. I hope I can be better.