Clarity. Honesty. Truth.

I know it's not too much to ask for these. I know I deserve them.

I deserve to no longer hurt while you make me wait for something that, by now, I feel like is never even going to arrive. To no longer stay at the crossroads of choosing between the past or the future. Are you just afraid that if you tell me what it is that you truly feel, in your heart of hearts, that it will break me? 

I deserve courage; to have someone who, without batting an eyelash, would choose me in spite of my flaws; to be with someone who won't ever make me feel like I'm not enough; someone who's not just there for the laughs, for the intimacy, for the I love you's whispered during drunken nights--words that need not be said, but I am brave enough to say anyway, in sobriety and broad daylight. I deserve the same peace and security, the same faith that I so easily and so willingly give.

I deserve not to have my heart broken over and over.

I deserve no less. I owe it to myself to deserve no less.

Today, a chapter of my life is ending.

I'm scared as hell. Terrified. But also hopeful. I guess what's scary about new beginnings are the uncertainties--that feeling of stepping into the unknown, of starting over. Maybe being scared is not so bad. Maybe.

Today, a new chapter is about to begin.

It's 4:55 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. Sleep has been difficult to come by and catch these past few days.

Do you remember the night I went to your condo for the first time? Up until now, everything seems so vivid--I can still see your dusty frame with your grandparents' photo in it; a half-eaten bag of chips on your table. I can still hear the roaring of your air conditioning unit from where I was sitting on your bed while we were talking. I can still remember how you told me that you felt unappreciated, and how I was baffled that someone like you would feel something like that.

As it turns out, right now, I do feel that. I feel like at any given moment, when you choose to, your life could go on without me. Forgotten. Unappreciated. Nights like this, I can't help but feel like you'd only want me to be there when it's convenient for you. I mean, who am I even to think you'd care about my day, if I've eaten, if I'm okay. Because the truth is, right now, I don't feel okay.

Weeks ago, you also told me that you want to aim for lightness--for you, maybe, lightness is within reach. But can you not see that nothing about this is light for me? I'm trying so hard to feel like I mean something to you, that I'm someone special, that I am more than just a thread you tug on when you want to, when you need to. I'm trying so hard to not think about how hung up you were with your past that you couldn't choose me, just me. And now, at close to 5 in the morning, an epiphany: Why am I even trying so hard?

All I ever wanted was to feel at peace. Reassured. To not feel like I have to fight for a place in your life. To not doubt where you and I stand. To feel like the only sensible future is us. And maybe you are failing at that. Maybe I am failing as well.

I did hold your hand that night in Marina Bay Spa, and no, it wasn't because I got carried away in the moment. Maybe it was too bold, but the truth is, it felt like the easiest, most natural thing to do. I also remember you letting go for fear of being seen.

Someday, maybe, it's going to stop feeling like this. Someday, I am still hopeful, that being at peace would be as easy as holding your hand.

I need to sleep.

On Running. And Living

Today, I did something which I haven't done for a long time--running. It took a lot of effort but when I found my pace I realized just how much I miss all the feelings that came with it: my leg muscles burning up, bathed by the arteries that were awakened with every step on the pavement; my lungs dying to burst from the constant battle of its expansion and its hunger for more air; my heart on the verge of explosion as every beat gets faster, stronger. Beads of sweat trickling down like fresh rain on dry ground.

As I arrived to the point where I started, I felt lighter. After everything, I am still alive. I've made it this far, and I want to keep living. I want to continue living.

A final thought--I am enough, have always been enough, will always be enough.

Stuck in Reverse

It is true: that sometimes you can feel so tired that sleep won't even come easy. Yesterday began with a phone call that instantly heralded a day of stress and chaos; another day where instead of taking hold of the time, time took told of me. And as if the universe wanted to push me a little further, things started to pile up. Then, just before the night ended, there was you. I could just feel my body sinking into sheer exhaustion.

What's exhausting is that you keep seeing the worst in what I say; in what I choose. Assuming that I think less of you because of a single choice. That for every reason I had, you'd look past the good and see the negative.

You don't get it, do you?

I made a decision bearing the wisdom of my experience--of the unseen price of carrying the title. It was not a choice based on mere capability.

I long for the day when you would understand that at the end of it all, I genuinely wanted all the best things for you in the coming year, and not merely the title that you and the others think is "best". I look back at the amount of time that this job took away from me and I think about the multitude of things you could do with it. How you could use that time to keep getting better--to not stagnate. I want you to do better at all the things I wish I had the time to be good at this year. A better physician. A better researcher. A better mentor. A better peer. If I can believe that you could be all those, why can't you?

Yesterday was a tiring day, but it was not the weight of the job that was exhausting. What's exhausting is realizing that you don't believe in you the way that I do.

Nakakapagod.

Trying too hard. Thinking too much.

Thirty five days before the end, thirty five days before the beginning. Life is too short and too beautiful to be anything less than happy.

One Day

A Post-It to Myself:

One day, it's not going to hurt so bad. I'm not saying the pain will go away, but you will learn to let it be a part of you. One day, you won't have to cry yourself to sleep wondering why you weren't good enough. Have faith that one day, all of this will make sense and everything will fall into its rightful place. Trust that even though it hurts now, happiness is still within reach and you will end up where you're meant to be.

Never stop loving. If there's anything you shouldn't run out of, it's love.

The Other Side of Things

I keep forgetting that as I walk through this life, I'm not the only one who's growing old. Today, my dad was rushed to the emergency room after experiencing chest heaviness, palpitation, dizziness, and loss of consciousness. Had it been another patient, it would have been easy to just commit to a diagnosis of syncope. But I guess things are different when you're at the other end of things--when you're the clueless watcher; when you're the relative who has an inkling but does not know what's really happening; when your own parent is the patient.

I haven't been home for quite some time, and I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't there to take care of my parents more than I really want to. It's a heartbreaking fact that doctors care so much about other people that sometimes they lose time to take care of themselves and their loved ones. I hope that my being here, tending to my dad's needs, I can show him the care that I have failed to provide him because of what I do.

I honestly hoped you would care more.

Hey :)

Before I even close my eyes and sleep, I just want you to know how extremely proud I am of you. Tomorrow will be the last day of your major rotation. You made it, love. You've come this far.

I miss you.

With love,
N

Hey,

I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get up earlier this morning until Charmy asked me what time I'll have chief res rounds. That's when it hit me--I need to get up. I need to take a step forward.

I was impressed with the interns during rounds and I made sure I remembered their names--Vie and Bevs. They were able to answer the questions I'd normally ask our first years. I told them they should consider neurology for residency. Three clerks were also commendable earlier--Gina, Jitca (?), and Emil. I never thought I'd miss teaching that much.

Then I saw you as we went back to NICU. I smiled. I smiled because that's the only thing I could do at that very moment. I couldn't run to you, or hug you, or kiss you, or hold your hand, so I smiled.

After that, Clare and I went to mass. I welled up while singing "Sa 'Yo Lamang". I thought of you when I first said "peace be with you" before turning to Clare. I am truly hoping that we'd both find peace.

I'm off to a coffee shop to start cramming my grand rounds. I don't know where exactly I'll work, though.

I just also want to say I miss you. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

With love,
N

Less in one hand. A bottle of beer in the other. And a dozen thoughts. In vino veritas.

Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Somehow, despite everything, I believe I still have the courage to be happy. I don't exactly know why--somehow, I just know I can.

So tonight, bring on the pain.

Tomorrow, courage.

Nikoz, please do not forget this feeling. This night.

Hope

We did everything we could.

Thank you, N, for trying.

Fear. Pain. Love.

What's the point?

There are times when I feel like it's better to just vanish. How nice it would be to forget. To stop thinking. To not feel.

Today, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. The dream was not entirely vivid, but I remember feeling out of breath as I cried my heart out. There was an image of you on my couch, and then I saw myself getting out of the bathroom when he called. You answered. And then the two of you wouldn't stop talking, laughing. He made you happy. I remember being in tears as I shouted, "Please don't go." But you took your phone, hurried to the door, and just left me there. 8:15 AM.

Over the past days, I couldn't stop myself from thinking. From being afraid. How did it ever come to this--to being so afraid? Afraid of losing you, yet also afraid that if we were together, life will find a way to break us. A text. An email. A phone call. A chance encounter with him. Afraid of you not being able to let go. Afraid of not being enough.

I keep wondering, is this how love is supposed to be like? In your own words, how do we love? Isn't love, by its very nature, the most basic and simplest way of feeling? Weren't we told that love should be greater than our fears and doubts?

I do not want to love with so much fear. You and I don't deserve that. I am also not asking you to forget the past; to un-love him--it's absurd to think that's possible. I know there will come a time when you can honestly tell me and yourself that you're ready. How and when we'll get there is that which we do not know. Maybe when that time comes I will still be here--unafraid, certain. And maybe then, I could love you with the same vastness, the same depth, and the same tranquility as the ocean. Maybe.

I wish I could stop myself from thinking. In all honesty, sometimes, I feel like I am weighing myself down. I hope I can be better.

Fast forward to a month later -- being finally done with Pedia, and going back to my niche. During these days, we'd see each other every morning for endorsements, and again after work to do something we both love: reading. We'd read our neurology books, but on some days we'd pause to read fiction. We would taste all sorts of coffee from different coffee shops

Fast forward to four months later -- you get to see me graduate. Four years of gruesome training finally coming to a close. Of course it's you I want the most to be there. We spend the night after the ceremony getting ourselves drunk with Asti, laughing all night long; me looking you in the eye and telling you that I'll make it my goal to also see you graduate. I'd keep wishing I'll be there to see that.

Fast forward to a year later -- we fight over the silliest things: where to eat, whose condo to sleep in, whose turn it is to buy groceries. I'll be easily annoyed because the stress of the boards adds to my existing anxiety. I throw tantrums in the morning and you console me, giving me the push to finish one chapter at a time. I spend the day studying or doing clinics for practice, then in the afternoon, I'm filled with excitement as I fetch you from work.

Fast forward to couple of years later -- both of us done with residency training. Real life waiting to unfold before our very eyes. We doubt. We feel afraid. But we step into the unknown and take a leap to starting a life somewhere far. Somewhere cold. By this time, our families know we're together and we meet them for the holidays. Fellowship won't feel lonely since we're together.

Rewind to now. Where things seem blurry. A time when things are uncertain. A time when choices have to be made and issues sorted out. A crossroad.

Maybe this is how you fight. Or how you don't. Maybe this is how we get there, or maybe this is how we lose. Is fast forward bound to be real, or is it going to be just another figment of imagination? The questions never seem to run out.

And then, a pause.

The Little Fragments

I love you the only way I know how.

Kaya ko ba talagang iwan si...

The love of my life.

You are love.

Nikoz.

Mahal kita.

You make me fall, too.

Nice to hear your voice this early :)

I wish we could just hold hands all night long

What is your choice?

Like I told you, I already did.

It's over.

Tinapos ko na.

I told him I need some time to be alone.

You make me happy.

I called him, and I told him everything.

Here you go mahal :)

I'm sorry.

Please give me another chance.

Don't move. I'm not asking you to come closer or go farther.

Let me love you.


Words. I no longer know which words hold the truth. As for me, the only truth I know right now is that I love you.

To the next me

12 August 2019
Monday

A work in progress

To the next chief resident:

The next 365+ days will be the toughest ones of your career. From someone who merely wants to finish the training, you will be given a load unlike anyone else's. I know you didn't have a choice about this. Dear friend, how I wish I had a choice, too. And while everyone thinks you're the right one for the job, I know you also just wanted a chance to say no and finish the training in peace. Because who wants that enormous task anyway? A thankless job, that's what it is.

You will start to live each day with the weight of the department resting on your shoulders. A lot of what will weigh you down is not actually yours to carry. Each move, each decision, each word you say will have an effect on people. If you were to rate the level of stress on a scale of 10, everyday will always be a 9. On bad days, it will be a 10.

On most days, you will come across a fork in the road -- of doing what you think is best for you, your career, your growth, your love for the science; and doing what needs to be done. And more often than not, you will have to choose the latter. Because the progress of your people, the growth of others, and the name of your department rests in your hands. You will not like it, and you might always think that you can always choose not to do them--but your professional and moral fiber will lead you to decide otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, it has its joys. You will begin to feel fulfilment and happiness with the littlest things--the success of your juniors, the small changes you make in the existing policies, the opportunity to share your knowledge, and most importantly, the lives that you make better just by doing the job. Offer your hand to someone who needs help even if your hands seem full. You will be everyone's rock keeping them grounded and steady.

I have had my own share of errors, and I have disappointed some as I did this job; and I think that it's okay. People will have the notion that you know everything, that you have a fix for every problem; and that can be terrifying. It's okay to be afraid. On most days, you won't know what to do, but I know that you have what it takes to figure it out. The most vital thing that you need to remember is to learn. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from your experiences. Learn from the people. Sometimes you learn from those whom you never thought could teach you a lesson. Every setback, every triumph, every task that comes your way adds only to your maturity.

When things get tough, remember to breathe. Rest, if you must. You will always feel like you're trying to catch up and that's alright. You are in training after all.

I pass on this title having no doubt that you will do a finer job than me. You did not choose this, but the department chose you. Have faith. For now, I bid you my warmest congratulations and wish you the best of luck. Your life is about to change.

How do we fight? When do we know if fighting is worth the pain, the wounds, the bruises, and the scars? When do we know when it's time to give up?

I have fought for you and for us since the very beginning; and in my effort not to lose that fight, I somehow lost a part of myself. I gave you pieces of me, little by little, until I realized that maybe I was already giving too much.

Right now, I have plenty of questions, and zero answers. All I know is that I can never lose myself again. I did my best to trust you despite the doubts, the uncertainties, and the adversities, and I ended up getting bruised.

You wanted me to fight for you, for us -- and I did -- but at the end of it all, no one ever fought for me.

You're right. Us? It is simple. It shouldn't be complicated or difficult. All I ever really wanted was for you to show me that no matter the pain, choosing to fight would be worth it.

The questions is, will you have the courage to fight for us?

Time seems to pass so slowly since I left your building. Today, I woke up at around 5 am.

Silence. Deafening silence.

I do my daily rounds and errands hoping that these will hasten time, intentionally pushing myself to exhaustion so that I won't have time to think or feel. But you're in me. In everything I do, you're there.

I got myself a haircut yesterday. On my way home, I bought a grande non-fat macchiato and paired it with the cookies I bought at Rockwell. I watched that Grey's episode when the senior residents took their surgical board exam. As it turns out, it's the same episode where Lexie tells Sloan that she still loves him.

Today, I received an email from MDS that my application for a travel bursary has been granted. I guess I'm going to South Korea next month. I'm panicking because I'm still fixing my documents for the visa application. I hope I can make this happen.

Sleeping at the back of our lounge has been the closest I've been to you. It felt so good to hear your voice when you called the accounting office. It was a good nap.

I just got home from the fellowship and post-CME dinner of Pedia Neuro. I think this is the first time in days that I ate so much. Our team won the jeopardy game, and I got free chamomile tea from Marks & Spencer. In just a bit, I'll take a shower and try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

I hope your day's going fine. I'm excited for you to see your mom again.
Happy duty, love.

The Things Left Unsaid

Remember to pause and take a deep breath when you feel like everything is a blur.
Eat; but not too much bacon.
The right way to stir your coffee is in a front-and-back direction.
You always deserve a good cup of coffee.
Never stop being in awe of sunsets.
Read more books when you have free time.
Never lose patience in teaching those who know less;
but at the same time, never feel obligated to give them everything on a silver platter.

When your soul feels down, write.
Or sing.
Smile often.
Laugh often.
Say a tiny prayer before you go to sleep.

Always bring an umbrella -- you never know when it's going to rain.
Take care of Papa.
(I'll hum a happy birthday song during his 80th)
Take care of Einstein.
And Newton.
Don't be too annoyed when your mom starts to nag. She cares.
Buy her something before she leaves. Or cook for her.

Don't ever let anyone feel that you aren't doing enough.
You are on your way to greatness -- never let anyone make you believe otherwise.
Be kind.

You are loved.
You are love.

How Do We Love?

And how does one go on?

"...I don't know if I trust you. I want to trust you, but I don't know if I do. So I'm just gonna try. I'm gonna try and trust you because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart."

Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
S04E17: Freedom, Part 2

You have a piece of me. You'll always have.

You'll always be the guy I'd want beside me when I wake up; the guy whose hand I'll hold as I enjoy my morning coffee, while you enjoy your crispy bacon strip. You're the guy I want to go to work with, and discuss my cases with--the one I can talk to for hours about unanswered questions in our field. You're the guy that I'd willingly buy Kinder Bueno for just so you have something to be glad about during your toxic days. I told myself once that I'd be lucky if I get to spend the rest of my life going out on dates with you--watching movies, talking for hours, making you laugh until you're almost breathless. You're the only person I want to come home to, and rant to about a stressful day, and talk to about all the things that coursed through my mind. You're the person I want to listen to--whose voice I want to hear at the end of each day. You're the love of my life.

I honestly hope things were simpler for us. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait. I'm sorry that I'm getting tired of chasing after you. I need to take a moment to rest, to pick up the pieces that got broken when we made our mistakes, to realize that I don't need to give up the things I deserve when loving someone.

One day, we'll get our chance to share a cup of coffee and just talk. And the world will be looking. And Mama Volet will be looking down on us. And we will be happy.

404

A week ago, we said goodbye to our little sanctuary. That room was witness to our happiest days together, and it gave us a glimpse of the life we could have in the future. I will always remember the nights when I'd come home to you after a stressful day and I'd feel all my worries vanish as you wrap your arms around me. I'll remember how your kisses made it possible for me to still be thankful after a seemingly bad day. I picture you on the bed, you wearing your suit, and me coming over to hug you, and look at you, and find the answers I have long been waiting for. You are my closest thing to heaven. You are love.

But I asked for a pause because I needed time to be stronger than the past. On our way home, as I sat in the plane, I kept thinking about the pain I've felt when we were still together. Like I've said, remembering everything is a gift inasmuch as it is a curse. Whenever I remember seeing the name of someone from your past on your phone, I can't help but die a little inside. I remember the night when you told me you were communicating with your past because you panicked over the loss of your phone. Each time those memories come rushing back, I feel hurt. And I wanted to pause because I know we can't fully love when we're both still hurting. I wanted a pause because our story deserves so much more than arguments and apologies. We deserve to be loved in a way that makes us feel enough, that makes us feel happy without guilt--a love that is not encaged by fear.

Still, I can never be thankful enough for 404 because it gave me one of, if not the happiest days of my life. It made me believe that I am capable of making someone happy in spite of my flaws and imperfections. I know now that I will never run out of love, and that I can be loved. I have no idea what the future holds for me, and if we will indeed end up together on the same road. I am hoping. I am taking a pause so that when the time comes that it happens for me--for us--I'll be ready to leave the past behind, and simply look ahead to getting there.

Dear Nikoz,

Remember that the sun doesn't need the moon to make it brilliant, nor does it need another star to keep its fire burning.

In your darkest of days, keep your flames ablaze. Be a light to others. Be unstoppable.

Be the sun.

Getting There

If I get to make you feel as happy as this for the rest of your life, I'd count myself lucky.

Here's to hoping that time will be on our side. To our shot. To getting there together.

Goodbye for now. I love you.

D5PI

One of the most difficult things about neurology is the fact that it is never an exact science. As someone who is just beginning to practice it, I've come to realize that I am venturing into a field of uncertainties--of rules of thumb; of anecdotal evidence; of learning by experience.

For example, when faced with a patient who has suffered a stroke, neurologists attempt to establish a pattern of predictability based on the time when the disease started to manifest. By doing so, we are able to determine the best course of action and at the same time, anticipate the events that are likely to happen as the disease unfolds. This rather crude way of thinking gives us clinicians some form of security as we face the unknown. Truth be told, I think we take comfort in relying on these patterns because deep down, we're scared of the future. We're scared that things might not go the way we want them to. We're scared that we might fail. And in the absence of complete reassurance, we hold on to these patterns and hope that things pan out for the good. It's our best weapon inasmuch as it is our best defense.

Today would be the fifth day that we're apart. In neurologic parlance, today marks day 5 post-ictus. If I were to make use of this analogy for how things are with us, today would be one of the most critical time points in our course--the point of maximal damage. It's the period where we would do our best, observe, and pray to God that the injury would not be massive enough to tip the scale towards death. To a neurologist, this is the patient's tipping point--the point where the neurologist would do everything in his power, and hope that the patient would be strong enough to make it through. And as frustrating as it is, the only thing the neurologist can do once he has laid out all his cards, is wait.

You would know.

Today would be the fifth day. I have done everything I can, and I have laid out all my cards. All I can do right now is wait.

It took me quite some time to realize that this world will keep moving regardless of where you are and how you are feeling. Life will go on even if you are experiencing immense happiness or excruciating pain. At the end of each day, it will always be your choice to keep moving in spite of how heavy the world is weighing you down. You can choose to stop, but the world won't.

I cannot put into words what my life is like right now because if I were to be truly honest, it's not making sense. Today, more than ever, I just wanted to stop and wait how the universe will unfold before my very eyes. But like any other typical day, the sun kept shining, the street noises kept getting louder and louder, and people around me kept living. The world kept moving. I realized that even if I choose to lie lifelessly on my bed, nothing will change. In my situation, people won't stop depending on me just because I'm in pain. My tasks and responsibilities won't get lighter just because I'm not okay. And though the choice to get up is harder, I need to stand up no matter how heavy my baggage is. I need to be okay even if I'm not.

Or at least try.