404

A week ago, we said goodbye to our little sanctuary. That room was witness to our happiest days together, and it gave us a glimpse of the life we could have in the future. I will always remember the nights when I'd come home to you after a stressful day and I'd feel all my worries vanish as you wrap your arms around me. I'll remember how your kisses made it possible for me to still be thankful after a seemingly bad day. I picture you on the bed, you wearing your suit, and me coming over to hug you, and look at you, and find the answers I have long been waiting for. You are my closest thing to heaven. You are love.

But I asked for a pause because I needed time to be stronger than the past. On our way home, as I sat in the plane, I kept thinking about the pain I've felt when we were still together. Like I've said, remembering everything is a gift inasmuch as it is a curse. Whenever I remember seeing the name of someone from your past on your phone, I can't help but die a little inside. I remember the night when you told me you were communicating with your past because you panicked over the loss of your phone. Each time those memories come rushing back, I feel hurt. And I wanted to pause because I know we can't fully love when we're both still hurting. I wanted a pause because our story deserves so much more than arguments and apologies. We deserve to be loved in a way that makes us feel enough, that makes us feel happy without guilt--a love that is not encaged by fear.

Still, I can never be thankful enough for 404 because it gave me one of, if not the happiest days of my life. It made me believe that I am capable of making someone happy in spite of my flaws and imperfections. I know now that I will never run out of love, and that I can be loved. I have no idea what the future holds for me, and if we will indeed end up together on the same road. I am hoping. I am taking a pause so that when the time comes that it happens for me--for us--I'll be ready to leave the past behind, and simply look ahead to getting there.