Post It No. 2

05 August 2020
7:03 PM

Hey,

I know you're taking all the time and space you need. I get that. I just need some indication, some hint that you're still there, listening.

I spent most of this day reading, writing, and revising my paper, in the hopes that it would fill the silence. A distraction. In a way, it did make things a bit bearable. Well, somehow. Things were okay until I found myself having a writer's block. Does it happen to you often? It's ironic how it's possible to be overwhelmed about what to say and not be able to produce a single word to express those thoughts.

I had several flashbacks of our research date at Blue Turtle last year, when we were both cramming our papers while drowning ourselves in macchiato and flat white. If my memory serves me right, it was the night before the research deadline. I could almost hear you teaching me the correct way of analyzing and writing the discussion. I know how you don't approve of parroting or merely echoing the words from other articles. How do I best describe that night -- stressful? educational? fun? I don't know. 

I did find myself smiling during those flashbacks, though.

Oh, I did stay up until 3:30 in the morning earlier writing a "COVID-19 prevention protocol" for our household. I wrote it in Filipino so that everyone could understand. I bet reading it will give you a good laugh.

Anyway, I'm about to have dinner now. I hope your meals today were good. I hope you're adjusting well in Pedia. I hope you learned a lot from the grand rounds on Miyoshi myopathy earlier. I hope you're okay.

Love,
N

Post It No. 1

02 August 2020
3:03 PM

Get up. Fix the bed.
Watch Grey's. Too much.
Write a letter to yourself.
Clean the closet.
Throw old stuff out.
Old letters.
Lie down.
Neurology. Boards. Fellowship.
Revise paper.
Adams.
Patients.
Right, the future.
Call a friend? Which friend?
Keep looking straight ahead.
Don't look back.
Migrate?
Protect your family.
Do something.
Anything.
Scared.
Stay alive.

Space

01 August 2020
11:55 AM


In neurology, there's a suffix we use to denote the massive or total loss of motor power. We call it plegia -- such that, the weakness of one limb is aptly called monoplegia, that of one side of the body is hemiplegia. Patients with neck lesions, for example, experience quadriplegia or the motor paralysis of all muscles from the neck down including all limbs, often making it hard for them to breathe on their own, all the while leaving their cognitive and mental functions intact. Today, I woke up as if I was in that state. Paralyzed.

---

I had a dream. And since dreams have this tendency to be temporary, fleeting, and eventually forgotten, I think it's better to write it down. In my dream, I was looking at my phone, and then I see this notification in my app, under your name, that says, "Typing..."

A beep. Then a simple message. "Hey"

My heart floated with that message. I was happy. I wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long as I could, but as I opened my eyes and felt the warm, humid air pull me into wakefulness, reality hit me. I checked my phone. Nothing.

Did you know that when I see that blue dot beside your photo, it makes me excited? That when I see you typing or recording a voice message, I get this warm feeling in my gut because seeing and listening to what you have to say gives me joy. Did you know that during this time of uncertainties, looking at your face and hearing your voice gives me hope? It makes me feel that in the midst of chaos, we still deserve to be happy. Talking to you, even when we have nothing to talk about, always gives me happiness.

You deserve to be happy, and not be hurt over and over again, after and in spite of all the things we went through. You deserve to be happy, to be given a true second shot at it, to be trusted again; because what happened before -- it's just that. Maybe it was wrong and maybe it hurt people, and maybe it was a mistake, but that's everything to it. It doesn't define you. Not me. Not us. I hope we can both forgive ourselves for it.

---

I am still fighting. I don't know if this is the right thing to do -- I'm hoping it is. I am willing to try anything and everything for us to have a shot at happiness, at us being together. I want both of us to be ready when that happens. You said you'll know when that day comes, and I'm hopeful that I, too, will know when it's the right time. Please don't ever think that I'm giving up. I am fighting and I hope you won't go anywhere. I know you are worth it. We are worth it.

---

"It's you."

I am holding on to this.

Unloading

Something feels heavy. Five minutes after 11 in the evening and I'm still climbing my way out of the cavernous grave that is my mind. Ironically, the only time when I felt light was this afternoon, when it wasn't my mind carrying the weight but my arms. Now, the silence has resurfaced, and I feel like the only way I'd be able to catch some sleep is if I unload some of the heaviness through words.

Three things running in my head, playing on loop like a broken record -- two questions and one reality:

One -- Am I staying and waiting for the right reasons?

Two -- What if I'm not and will never be enough?

Lastly -- The loneliest and most dangerous place in this world is the mind.

I opened my eyes today with the sight of my favorite person beside me. A few kisses here and there, and that feeling of being at home. Of truly belonging.

A plain goodbye as he wore his jacket.

Now, there's just silence. And pain.

Am I to blame for all of this? Did I inflict all of this pain on both of us? Am I bound to be alone -- and everything was merely a matter of when?

I don't seem to know where home is anymore.

Reflections, Decussations

"You wanna watch Grey's?"

"You have chips?"

---

What, then, separates the ability to not think and the desire to not care -- or do the two inexorably overlap and cross over?

Lockdown

Neuropathologic examination reveals a rather normal looking brain,

I wonder -- if you experience the same crushing pain I feel with not having you around; if you long for the same touch, that feeling of being at home. I wonder if you hear a similar voice in your head, one that you wish you could stop but also wish would keep going: a voice that screams your name amidst the chaos of our present world.

I wonder if you would have the courage to tell me if you don't.

The correct treatment, aside from lowering blood pressure, is uncertain.

I can't fathom why this silly brain is always flooded with questions and repugnant scenarios. Have I always been an overthinker? Am I really that insecure, that terrible? If so, why?

The lack of certainty in today and the days to come brings forth fear. The long hours of nothingness don't seem to help either. This monster, this fear -- it subtly creeps in and pushes me to a preternatural state of mind, one where I tend to lose my rational thinking. It makes the flood rise and the only seemingly safe spot is slumber, which hardly comes by. I long for the day when all the second-guessing would stop. Deep down, I know I want to do better, be better. Having that choice to change gives me hope.

In the past, when effective treatment was not available, the outcome was often fatal.

Two sides of the coin, they say. I don't know which of the two I am ready for. I don't even know if there are people who are truly ready. If there are, I surely envy them.

All I am sure of is what I feel. It's real; I didn't just make it up. I am beyond fortunate to feel this for what it is, and it is just immensely pure and humbling. If there ever comes a time that fate won't be on my side, I am fairly certain that I won't regret anything that has led me to feel it.

The mechanism is unclear.

I wonder -- that picture, that future -- does that still exist? With everything that has happened, is it clearer or is it just getting more obscure?

I wonder.

Clarity. Honesty. Truth.

I know it's not too much to ask for these. I know I deserve them.

I deserve to no longer hurt while you make me wait for something that, by now, I feel like is never even going to arrive. To no longer stay at the crossroads of choosing between the past or the future. Are you just afraid that if you tell me what it is that you truly feel, in your heart of hearts, that it will break me? 

I deserve courage; to have someone who, without batting an eyelash, would choose me in spite of my flaws; to be with someone who won't ever make me feel like I'm not enough; someone who's not just there for the laughs, for the intimacy, for the I love you's whispered during drunken nights--words that need not be said, but I am brave enough to say anyway, in sobriety and broad daylight. I deserve the same peace and security, the same faith that I so easily and so willingly give.

I deserve not to have my heart broken over and over.

I deserve no less. I owe it to myself to deserve no less.

It's 4:55 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. Sleep has been difficult to come by and catch these past few days.

Do you remember the night I went to your condo for the first time? Up until now, everything seems so vivid--I can still see your dusty frame with your grandparents' photo in it; a half-eaten bag of chips on your table. I can still hear the roaring of your air conditioning unit from where I was sitting on your bed while we were talking. I can still remember how you told me that you felt unappreciated, and how I was baffled that someone like you would feel something like that.

As it turns out, right now, I do feel that. I feel like at any given moment, when you choose to, your life could go on without me. Forgotten. Unappreciated. Nights like this, I can't help but feel like you'd only want me to be there when it's convenient for you. I mean, who am I even to think you'd care about my day, if I've eaten, if I'm okay. Because the truth is, right now, I don't feel okay.

Weeks ago, you also told me that you want to aim for lightness--for you, maybe, lightness is within reach. But can you not see that nothing about this is light for me? I'm trying so hard to feel like I mean something to you, that I'm someone special, that I am more than just a thread you tug on when you want to, when you need to. I'm trying so hard to not think about how hung up you were with your past that you couldn't choose me, just me. And now, at close to 5 in the morning, an epiphany: Why am I even trying so hard?

All I ever wanted was to feel at peace. Reassured. To not feel like I have to fight for a place in your life. To not doubt where you and I stand. To feel like the only sensible future is us. And maybe you are failing at that. Maybe I am failing as well.

I did hold your hand that night in Marina Bay Spa, and no, it wasn't because I got carried away in the moment. Maybe it was too bold, but the truth is, it felt like the easiest, most natural thing to do. I also remember you letting go for fear of being seen.

Someday, maybe, it's going to stop feeling like this. Someday, I am still hopeful, that being at peace would be as easy as holding your hand.

I need to sleep.

On Running. And Living

Today, I did something which I haven't done for a long time--running. It took a lot of effort but when I found my pace I realized just how much I miss all the feelings that came with it: my leg muscles burning up, bathed by the arteries that were awakened with every step on the pavement; my lungs dying to burst from the constant battle of its expansion and its hunger for more air; my heart on the verge of explosion as every beat gets faster, stronger. Beads of sweat trickling down like fresh rain on dry ground.

As I arrived to the point where I started, I felt lighter. After everything, I am still alive. I've made it this far, and I want to keep living. I want to continue living.

A final thought--I am enough, have always been enough, will always be enough.

Trying too hard. Thinking too much.

Thirty five days before the end, thirty five days before the beginning. Life is too short and too beautiful to be anything less than happy.

One Day

A Post-It to Myself:

One day, it's not going to hurt so bad. I'm not saying the pain will go away, but you will learn to let it be a part of you. One day, you won't have to cry yourself to sleep wondering why you weren't good enough. Have faith that one day, all of this will make sense and everything will fall into its rightful place. Trust that even though it hurts now, happiness is still within reach and you will end up where you're meant to be.

Never stop loving. If there's anything you shouldn't run out of, it's love.

Hey,

I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get up earlier this morning until Charmy asked me what time I'll have chief res rounds. That's when it hit me--I need to get up. I need to take a step forward.

I was impressed with the interns during rounds and I made sure I remembered their names--Vie and Bevs. They were able to answer the questions I'd normally ask our first years. I told them they should consider neurology for residency. Three clerks were also commendable earlier--Gina, Jitca (?), and Emil. I never thought I'd miss teaching that much.

Then I saw you as we went back to NICU. I smiled. I smiled because that's the only thing I could do at that very moment. I couldn't run to you, or hug you, or kiss you, or hold your hand, so I smiled.

After that, Clare and I went to mass. I welled up while singing "Sa 'Yo Lamang". I thought of you when I first said "peace be with you" before turning to Clare. I am truly hoping that we'd both find peace.

I'm off to a coffee shop to start cramming my grand rounds. I don't know where exactly I'll work, though.

I just also want to say I miss you. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

With love,
N

Less in one hand. A bottle of beer in the other. And a dozen thoughts. In vino veritas.

Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Somehow, despite everything, I believe I still have the courage to be happy. I don't exactly know why--somehow, I just know I can.

So tonight, bring on the pain.

Tomorrow, courage.

Nikoz, please do not forget this feeling. This night.

Hope

We did everything we could.

Thank you, N, for trying.

Fear. Pain. Love.

Today, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. The dream was not entirely vivid, but I remember feeling out of breath as I cried my heart out. There was an image of you on my couch, and then I saw myself getting out of the bathroom when he called. You answered. And then the two of you wouldn't stop talking, laughing. He made you happy. I remember being in tears as I shouted, "Please don't go." But you took your phone, hurried to the door, and just left me there. 8:15 AM.

Over the past days, I couldn't stop myself from thinking. From being afraid. How did it ever come to this--to being so afraid? Afraid of losing you, yet also afraid that if we were together, life will find a way to break us. A text. An email. A phone call. A chance encounter with him. Afraid of you not being able to let go. Afraid of not being enough.

I keep wondering, is this how love is supposed to be like? In your own words, how do we love? Isn't love, by its very nature, the most basic and simplest way of feeling? Weren't we told that love should be greater than our fears and doubts?

I do not want to love with so much fear. You and I don't deserve that. I am also not asking you to forget the past; to un-love him--it's absurd to think that's possible. I know there will come a time when you can honestly tell me and yourself that you're ready. How and when we'll get there is that which we do not know. Maybe when that time comes I will still be here--unafraid, certain. And maybe then, I could love you with the same vastness, the same depth, and the same tranquility as the ocean. Maybe.

I wish I could stop myself from thinking. In all honesty, sometimes, I feel like I am weighing myself down. I hope I can be better.

Time seems to pass so slowly since I left your building. Today, I woke up at around 5 am.

Silence. Deafening silence.

I do my daily rounds and errands hoping that these will hasten time, intentionally pushing myself to exhaustion so that I won't have time to think or feel. But you're in me. In everything I do, you're there.

I got myself a haircut yesterday. On my way home, I bought a grande non-fat macchiato and paired it with the cookies I bought at Rockwell. I watched that Grey's episode when the senior residents took their surgical board exam. As it turns out, it's the same episode where Lexie tells Sloan that she still loves him.

Today, I received an email from MDS that my application for a travel bursary has been granted. I guess I'm going to South Korea next month. I'm panicking because I'm still fixing my documents for the visa application. I hope I can make this happen.

Sleeping at the back of our lounge has been the closest I've been to you. It felt so good to hear your voice when you called the accounting office. It was a good nap.

I just got home from the fellowship and post-CME dinner of Pedia Neuro. I think this is the first time in days that I ate so much. Our team won the jeopardy game, and I got free chamomile tea from Marks & Spencer. In just a bit, I'll take a shower and try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

I hope your day's going fine. I'm excited for you to see your mom again.
Happy duty, love.

The Things Left Unsaid

Remember to pause and take a deep breath when you feel like everything is a blur.
Eat; but not too much bacon.
The right way to stir your coffee is in a front-and-back direction.
You always deserve a good cup of coffee.
Never stop being in awe of sunsets.
Read more books when you have free time.
Never lose patience in teaching those who know less;
but at the same time, never feel obligated to give them everything on a silver platter.

When your soul feels down, write.
Or sing.
Smile often.
Laugh often.
Say a tiny prayer before you go to sleep.

Always bring an umbrella -- you never know when it's going to rain.
Take care of Papa.
(I'll hum a happy birthday song during his 80th)
Take care of Einstein.
And Newton.
Don't be too annoyed when your mom starts to nag. She cares.
Buy her something before she leaves. Or cook for her.

Don't ever let anyone feel that you aren't doing enough.
You are on your way to greatness -- never let anyone make you believe otherwise.
Be kind.

You are loved.
You are love.