Time seems to pass so slowly since I left your building. Today, I woke up at around 5 am.

Silence. Deafening silence.

I do my daily rounds and errands hoping that these will hasten time, intentionally pushing myself to exhaustion so that I won't have time to think or feel. But you're in me. In everything I do, you're there.

I got myself a haircut yesterday. On my way home, I bought a grande non-fat macchiato and paired it with the cookies I bought at Rockwell. I watched that Grey's episode when the senior residents took their surgical board exam. As it turns out, it's the same episode where Lexie tells Sloan that she still loves him.

Today, I received an email from MDS that my application for a travel bursary has been granted. I guess I'm going to South Korea next month. I'm panicking because I'm still fixing my documents for the visa application. I hope I can make this happen.

Sleeping at the back of our lounge has been the closest I've been to you. It felt so good to hear your voice when you called the accounting office. It was a good nap.

I just got home from the fellowship and post-CME dinner of Pedia Neuro. I think this is the first time in days that I ate so much. Our team won the jeopardy game, and I got free chamomile tea from Marks & Spencer. In just a bit, I'll take a shower and try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

I hope your day's going fine. I'm excited for you to see your mom again.
Happy duty, love.

The Things Left Unsaid

Remember to pause and take a deep breath when you feel like everything is a blur.
Eat; but not too much bacon.
The right way to stir your coffee is in a front-and-back direction.
You always deserve a good cup of coffee.
Never stop being in awe of sunsets.
Read more books when you have free time.
Never lose patience in teaching those who know less;
but at the same time, never feel obligated to give them everything on a silver platter.

When your soul feels down, write.
Or sing.
Smile often.
Laugh often.
Say a tiny prayer before you go to sleep.

Always bring an umbrella -- you never know when it's going to rain.
Take care of Papa.
(I'll hum a happy birthday song during his 80th)
Take care of Einstein.
And Newton.
Don't be too annoyed when your mom starts to nag. She cares.
Buy her something before she leaves. Or cook for her.

Don't ever let anyone feel that you aren't doing enough.
You are on your way to greatness -- never let anyone make you believe otherwise.
Be kind.

You are loved.
You are love.

How Do We Love?

And how does one go on?

"...I don't know if I trust you. I want to trust you, but I don't know if I do. So I'm just gonna try. I'm gonna try and trust you because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart."

Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
S04E17: Freedom, Part 2

You have a piece of me. You'll always have.

You'll always be the guy I'd want beside me when I wake up; the guy whose hand I'll hold as I enjoy my morning coffee, while you enjoy your crispy bacon strip. You're the guy I want to go to work with, and discuss my cases with--the one I can talk to for hours about unanswered questions in our field. You're the guy that I'd willingly buy Kinder Bueno for just so you have something to be glad about during your toxic days. I told myself once that I'd be lucky if I get to spend the rest of my life going out on dates with you--watching movies, talking for hours, making you laugh until you're almost breathless. You're the only person I want to come home to, and rant to about a stressful day, and talk to about all the things that coursed through my mind. You're the person I want to listen to--whose voice I want to hear at the end of each day. You're the love of my life.

I honestly hope things were simpler for us. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait. I'm sorry that I'm getting tired of chasing after you. I need to take a moment to rest, to pick up the pieces that got broken when we made our mistakes, to realize that I don't need to give up the things I deserve when loving someone.

One day, we'll get our chance to share a cup of coffee and just talk. And the world will be looking. And Mama Volet will be looking down on us. And we will be happy.

404

A week ago, we said goodbye to our little sanctuary. That room was witness to our happiest days together, and it gave us a glimpse of the life we could have in the future. I will always remember the nights when I'd come home to you after a stressful day and I'd feel all my worries vanish as you wrap your arms around me. I'll remember how your kisses made it possible for me to still be thankful after a seemingly bad day. I picture you on the bed, you wearing your suit, and me coming over to hug you, and look at you, and find the answers I have long been waiting for. You are my closest thing to heaven. You are love.

But I asked for a pause because I needed time to be stronger than the past. On our way home, as I sat in the plane, I kept thinking about the pain I've felt when we were still together. Like I've said, remembering everything is a gift inasmuch as it is a curse. Whenever I remember seeing the name of someone from your past on your phone, I can't help but die a little inside. I remember the night when you told me you were communicating with your past because you panicked over the loss of your phone. Each time those memories come rushing back, I feel hurt. And I wanted to pause because I know we can't fully love when we're both still hurting. I wanted a pause because our story deserves so much more than arguments and apologies. We deserve to be loved in a way that makes us feel enough, that makes us feel happy without guilt--a love that is not encaged by fear.

Still, I can never be thankful enough for 404 because it gave me one of, if not the happiest days of my life. It made me believe that I am capable of making someone happy in spite of my flaws and imperfections. I know now that I will never run out of love, and that I can be loved. I have no idea what the future holds for me, and if we will indeed end up together on the same road. I am hoping. I am taking a pause so that when the time comes that it happens for me--for us--I'll be ready to leave the past behind, and simply look ahead to getting there.

Dear Nikoz,

Remember that the sun doesn't need the moon to make it brilliant, nor does it need another star to keep its fire burning.

In your darkest of days, keep your flames ablaze. Be a light to others. Be unstoppable.

Be the sun.

Getting There

If I get to make you feel as happy as this for the rest of your life, I'd count myself lucky.

Here's to hoping that time will be on our side. To our shot. To getting there together.

Goodbye for now. I love you.

D5PI

One of the most difficult things about neurology is the fact that it is never an exact science. As someone who is just beginning to practice it, I've come to realize that I am venturing into a field of uncertainties--of rules of thumb; of anecdotal evidence; of learning by experience.

For example, when faced with a patient who has suffered a stroke, neurologists attempt to establish a pattern of predictability based on the time when the disease started to manifest. By doing so, we are able to determine the best course of action and at the same time, anticipate the events that are likely to happen as the disease unfolds. This rather crude way of thinking gives us clinicians some form of security as we face the unknown. Truth be told, I think we take comfort in relying on these patterns because deep down, we're scared of the future. We're scared that things might not go the way we want them to. We're scared that we might fail. And in the absence of complete reassurance, we hold on to these patterns and hope that things pan out for the good. It's our best weapon inasmuch as it is our best defense.

Today would be the fifth day that we're apart. In neurologic parlance, today marks day 5 post-ictus. If I were to make use of this analogy for how things are with us, today would be one of the most critical time points in our course--the point of maximal damage. It's the period where we would do our best, observe, and pray to God that the injury would not be massive enough to tip the scale towards death. To a neurologist, this is the patient's tipping point--the point where the neurologist would do everything in his power, and hope that the patient would be strong enough to make it through. And as frustrating as it is, the only thing the neurologist can do once he has laid out all his cards, is wait.

You would know.

Today would be the fifth day. I have done everything I can, and I have laid out all my cards. All I can do right now is wait.

It took me quite some time to realize that this world will keep moving regardless of where you are and how you are feeling. Life will go on even if you are experiencing immense happiness or excruciating pain. At the end of each day, it will always be your choice to keep moving in spite of how heavy the world is weighing you down. You can choose to stop, but the world won't.

I cannot put into words what my life is like right now because if I were to be truly honest, it's not making sense. Today, more than ever, I just wanted to stop and wait how the universe will unfold before my very eyes. But like any other typical day, the sun kept shining, the street noises kept getting louder and louder, and people around me kept living. The world kept moving. I realized that even if I choose to lie lifelessly on my bed, nothing will change. In my situation, people won't stop depending on me just because I'm in pain. My tasks and responsibilities won't get lighter just because I'm not okay. And though the choice to get up is harder, I need to stand up no matter how heavy my baggage is. I need to be okay even if I'm not.

Or at least try.

Traffic Jam

Red.

Leo gripped the steering wheel tightly with his left hand, his fingers constantly moving to the beat of the radio music. His right hand was resting hesitantly on the gear, his sweaty palm swirling around the shiny, gray ball. He caught one second to do a quick-hair-brush-up-and-sideway-flip styling, and then he immediately turned his eyes on the windshield. Tiny balls of clear heaven-water were now already starting to splatter on the clear glass. As the splashing droplets crash upon the car, they cast shadows upon the white, smooth face of the girl sitting in the passenger seat. She rested calmly on the leather seat, her oval head lying softly, her jet black hair flowing like black water against the bright pink pillow. Her shut eyes started opening like a bud of flower starting to bloom. Rachel had awaken.

Leo—amazed at the figure he was looking at—gulped. He quickly looked away from Rachel, trying to avoid any eye contact. As he wishfully visualizes in his mind the angelic, breathtaking, exquisite face of the girl he was previously staring at, he can’t help but give a breezy (and loud) sigh. From his face emerged tiny droplets of sweat, his mouth was starting to dry up, his lips refused to open up, his tongue stiffened. Suddenly, he was breathless.

He wanted to speak out, tell her everything he wanted to say, everything he has kept for the past three years, everything he felt—his deepest longing for her. He has already grown tired of the late-night-talks about her boyfriends, her friendly kiss-on-the-cheeks, and her comforting pats-on-the-back . He just wanted to simply place his hands on her white, silky cheeks, run them on her soft, majestic hair, and hold her perfect body close to his. He slightly turned sideways, his head brought closer to hers, his eyes staring still at the girl in front of her. He was ready to finally tell her everything.

Green.

Thoughts and More Thoughts

There's nothing to write, yet I'm still writing. My mind puts in the stuff. I'm letting my mind feel instead of letting it think.

A song.

A mirror. I see my reflection, yet I can't see a lot of things.

A roll of tissue.

My cellphone. It's quite old and it has an awfully scratched case, but it's special.

"I was inviting her into my heart..."

It's 11:50 in the evening. I should be sleeping right now but I can't.

The night is humid. I want to turn on my air conditioner but it'll ruin the environment. Will it help? I don't know. Perhaps. A little thing might be of great significance in the long run.

I'm scratching my head. No, I already scratched my head because if i were scratching my head, i'd have a hard time typing. It's incredibly itchy.

Scratch again.

My room's messy. But I love the mess. Let it sulk in for just some time.

I'm in pain, but I don't know why.

Frustration

"Okay. I feel like one of those people who's so freakin' miserable, they can't be around normal people...like I'll infect the happy people..."

-Meredith Grey

Brain Dead

Tell me, who needs sleep when you can work and study all day and all night?

Life has never been this boring. Everyday is a never-ending cycle of monotonous and similar activities. I'm beginning to hate my life (emo much?)

I need a vacation. or a cup of coffee. I need love. (desperate much?)

And by the way, remember the time when I said I was going to have a heavenly and chillax sem?

What was I thinking?

====================

So much for a blog entry. I'm worthless.

HEAVEN SEM

If Someone up there is listening...

I thought you wanted me to stay. I thought the reason why I never got into psych is because you wanted me to stay and find a purpose in whatever I'm doing right now.

That I accepted. And though I may have held a grudge with that little plan of Yours, I finally accepted what You wanted.

Now this.

You don't want me to get my subjects. MAJORS, my goodness. Why? Just tell me why.
You know, sometimes I don't really get You. A little help would have sufficed. And I will willingly go with what you planned. But no, I guess you're as numb as I thought you were in the past. You can't even help me in the littlest of my problems.

If by any chance, you're reading this or even hearing my thoughts, i'm begging you. Please, help me.

It's 4:00 AM

and I'm still wide awake.

No, it's not because of my self-diagnosed insomnia. You see, my family agreed that we'll go to Baguio because of the long weekend. It's a father-side family gathering-cum-getaway. Anyway, I think it's good for me because I'll be able to breathe another kind of air--a more polluted one.

Urban life is killing me. I'm so freaking bored but I don't want the 2nd sem to start yet--because I'm still lacking 2 majors and a PE. CRS sucks and it hates me big time.

It's amazing you know, how I manage to keep this blog updated even though I have no idea if someone's reading it. Yeah, another one of those self-centered egoistic thoughts. Never mind this senseless bunch of crap.

By the by, my birthday's coming up. Happy 18th Birthday to me. Yay!

COCONUTs in Laguna

So there. Went to Laguna last Oct. 13 and 14 with my lovable COCONUT blockmates. We stayed at Cyrus' archaic-yet-adorable mansion and slept at around 5:30 a.m. Ate Pipian (tastier version of Kare-Kare), Espasol and uber-sarap Halo-Halo. Took a ride in Cyrus' Expedition a.k.a Optimus Prime. Arrived in Manila at about 4:30 p.m. Went home and finished my papers

Picture taken at: Pagsanjan Lodge, Oct. 13, 2007. Talk about impromptu swimming trips. XD

Who lives in a Pineapple under the Sea?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS~!

Believe it or not, this little yellow sponge is the cause of my laziness.
I AM SO GONNA BE DEAD tomorrow.

Thou shall keep thy blog simple

I'm not complacent with my blog. It's too...hmmm..simple.
It's so, so...so not me.

God: That's human nature, Nikoz. Try to remember that.
Nikoz: oh. damn it. This is why free will is such a bad idea.
God: Yeah. I guess. But I just can't erase all of your memory and take away your free will
Nikoz: Why not?
God: Because life would be so damn boring
Nikoz: Yeah. Figured that would be the downside of it.